History Of A Fat Chick

This is my first post so it's allowed to be terrible. Let's start off with a history shall we?

I wasn't always fat. Throughout grade school my weight fluctuated and it was exaggerated by the group of girls in my class who were born skinny. You know the types that can't help no matter how much they eat they can't gain weight? Ya so compare my 5'6" 150lbs frame (in grade six) to their 4' nothing 96lbs frames and you get yourself a case of body dismorphia.

So I took that body dismorphia with me into grade seven and eight where I grew another two to three inches and thinned out. But you must realize that I didn't realize that I hadn't gained weight. I didn't like to weigh myself much and when I went to the doctor he rarely weighed me and when he did I didn't really want to know.

To make this a little clearer, let's look at a picture of me before my grade eight graduation where I was pretty sure I was going to be the biggest girl there.

See? Not exactly the biggest girl in the world, actually as I look back now at the pictures from that night, I'm pretty sure I was the skinniest looking kid out of my group of friends. I bought a pair of jeans that year and I think they were a size 36. (Holy crap I thought I was so fat in a size 36!)

Fast forward to my sophmore year of high school and you have what happens to way too many kids suffering from this body dismorphia - anorexia. Luckily that didn't last long but I did get very skinny. At first people didn't notice, they just complimented me on how much weight I'd been losing and how skinny I was getting. But then they started to notice my "lack of appetite" and the comments began to change into why won't you eat and you're too skinny. (I have a picture of said too skinniness but I haven't scanned it onto my computer yet.)

So I'm too skinny now? Well I guess I better eat. And so I did. I ate and I ate and I ate and I ate until I was at about 250lbs for my grade 12 prom.

A few years go by and I balloon out to a what they call "Extremely Obese" 302 lbs.

The thing was, I didn't feel 'Extremely Obese'. I didn't even feel 'Obese'. Maybe somewhere deep inside the workings of my brain I knew that I was unhealthy, that I was fat, that I was killing myself with food. But I didn't face it I guess? I'd spent those few years of gaining those last 52lbs hearing that I need to lose weight from concerned parents and doctors, and I "tried" personal trainners and diets and weight watchers etc. But nothing worked, because I didn't want to lose the weight. I wasn't concerned with it. I was young and I thought that everyone else around me were allowed to eat what they wanted and not gain weight and not have people telling them to join a gym so why should I?

And then, my boyfriend of 6 years (okay so in those six years I'd gone from anorexic 130ish lbs to 302lbs but I'm not sure if it had anything to do with him. Maybe he was an enabler, but I'm not going to blame him. At least not completely. lol) broke up with me. (That's a whole other drama that I'm not going to get into here.) So now I'm fat and alone and I decide, well I don't want to fix the alone part just yet, I'm going to enjoy being single for a while. But then I think, "last time I was single I was skinny and happy to flirt singly. Somethings off... Oh I'm fat, right." So I start walking and eating well and it's starting to work, I'm down fifteen pounds, but I know this won't last unless I get some outside help. So I go to this weightloss place but it closes down when I've only lost 20lbs or so. So I go a year or so trying to maintain this weight that I've lost so far on my own and through them. I think I gained back about 10lbs, because when I started the program I'm on now, I started in at 270lbs.

So my miracle plan is through the clinic in the next town over. And it's working! I'll write about it in my next blog. With them I've lost 12lbs. So about a pound a week. Not bad. Time to step up my game though. Got to have my freedom.