That Moment

I know.  I was really excited about weightcare and I was all yay! and such.  But I've quite.  It's kinda sad, because I really liked the people there, and by all means if I had the money I would stay.  But I can't afford it.  And quite frankly, my head is not in the game lately.  I want to try.  No that's not true.  I want to want to give a damn.  But at the moment I don't.   I look in the mirror at my stomach and I feel...powerless. I feel exasperated.  I feel like theres no end to the means.  When I think about the future, I see a skinny Abby.  But I don't see her for long.  I think, well I could probably get skinny but I couldn't stay skinny.  I have this over-powering  thought or knowledge that I will cave.  I always cave.  That's just what I do.  And I know!  I've heard all the positive-thinking stuff.  I've done it, and it works for me with a lot of stuff, but with food, it doesn't work.  I see, or I think about something that I shouldn't eat, and I know I shouldn't eat it, but that craving sets in and there's nothing that I can do to stop it.  I know that I sound like a cry-baby or something, or that I've given up on myself.  But that's just how I feel at the moment.

People tell me that when that moment of craving something hits, that I just have to take a deep breath and you know think about something else, preoccupy my mind with something that is so totally opposite from eating so that I don't think of it and ultimately do it.  Or when I'm heading to the fridge, to walk in the other direction and pick up a weight because when you're lifting weights you can't eat at the same time.  (Which is bull because I've seen Homer do it lol).  The thing is I know the tricks.  I know what I have to do to lose weight.  Eat healthy foods.  Don't buy non-healthy things ie chocolate and ice cream and anything that has unatural sugars.  And don't buy white bread (which actually I don't I buy whole grain this stuff called Jake's it's really good) and don't buy pop even if its diet because the aspartame will make you crave sugar anyways.  I know all this stuff. I've been hearing it for years and the thing is - I'm selfish.  I'm spoiled.  I want sugar I want it now and yes I will have another truffle!  

I'm also fat, lazy (no not all fat people are lazy), and I have a distemper when I'm hungry.  I hate to exercise and if I don't want to exercise I won't.  Doesn't mean I don't know how to, because I do.  I've taken enough personal training classes to know the basics of lifting weights and balancing on balls.  But I'm just a big ol' spoiled brat who doesn't want to so I won't and you can't make me.  I'm a two-year-old having a temper tantrum because I'm being dragged away from the candy store and into the gym.

So I know all this, but what I really want to know is...How do I learn to want whats good for me?  How do I become the smart healthy adult that maybe (I'm guessing) 33% of the healthy population has become.  'Cause reading Dr. Phil and seeing therapist after therapist has done nothing in the way of getting me to quite frankly...grow the fuck up.

I guess I'm at a stand-still.  On one shoulder is the two-year-old throwing themselves a fit, and on the other is the healthy girl that I want to become.  But she's fading.  SHE's starving.  No one can help me I know that.  I can only do this for me. 

Will I have to give up all my possessions and go on some spiritual journey through the Andes, I don't know, I hope not.  Do I have to give up the things I love, like baking and gatherings that involve food?  Probably, but I don't want to.  Maybe I have to just maintain this blog, and stop trying to sound like I know what the fuck I'm talking about and start talking about the way I feel.  The way food makes me feel and the way I want to feel.

Maybe I'm just talking out my ass again.

It's all fun and chocolate until somebody gets hurt.

I caved again.  Had a really depressing day for like no reason.  Had absolutely no reason to be sad.  But I was.  I almost called in sick to work.  It was like twenty minutes until my shift began, driving on the way to work and I was stroking my phone trying to decide if I was going to dial or not.  I didn't, if you're wondering.  I didn't dial, I went to work.  And you know what, I actually had a good time at work.  Laughing and enjoying myself and getting silly (which maybe I shouldn't do at work because when I get silly it looks similar to when I've been drinking... ) But then I was on my way home, my dad picked me up and he was telling me some really like weird stories about how his friend died of cancer and I don't remember the other ones 'cause I sort of started to just block him out because I didn't want to hear it.  So we stopped at Shopper's Drug Mart to get Excedrin and I went and bought Reese Miniatures.  Ugh, I totally caved.  I just finished eating them too.  Like the whole bag, which I'm sure has a gazillion calories in it.  I guess I won't be having too much fun at the engagement party this weekend.  No over-eating and no drinking for me!  Need to get a grip on this stuff.  I think I'm going to go crazy if I can't get a handle on myself.

And that's the thing, it is me that's the problem.  I'm letting myself feel sorry for myself so that I can justify in my mind, buying the junk and eating the crap.  How do I figure out a new mindset?